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| Credit: Nigerian Tribune |
At
a wedding reception I attended some years ago, the chairman of the occasion, in
his advice to the couple said, “Love has done and completed its work in this
relationship today in bringing the two of you together. What remains now is for
tolerance, respect, trust, submission, etc, to continue where love has ended.”
He was simply saying that all love does in any marriage is to attract the two
people involved together. After this, some other virtues must take over from
love if the marriage must survive.
Though
it’s been over 10 years since I heard that statement, I’ve not been able to get
it off my mind. Is that statement true? Is that all love is expected to do?
Just bringing two people together and disappearing into thin air, leaving the
couple to themselves to waggle their way through their entire married life?
Truly, if that is all love is expected to do, then I can boldly say that love
is a coward: igniting a fire it is not able to fuel; starting something and
escaping when the real work is about to begin. But thank God, love does not end
on the wedding day. Love does more than just bringing two people together in
holy matrimony. The two people in love must remain in love if their marriage is
expected to be what marriage is designed to be.
The
force of love attracts two people to each other. This force, to an extent, is
something that is inevitable. You “fell” in love with the lady/man you are now
married to, not because you chose to do so. It just happened. It was not
something you had control over. But staying or remaining in love with your
spouse is something that will happen because you want it to happen. That is to
say, it will take conscious efforts. That you “fell” for him/her effortlessly
does not suggest that you will remain loving him/her effortlessly. Husband and
wife must consciously do things that will sustain their love for one another.
Like you maintain your vehicle so that it will continually serve you the way
you desire, your love for your spouse must be maintained. Lack of maintenance
culture has ruined many marriages. The phrase “fall in love” is generally used
to describe an (eventual) love that is strong, although not necessarily
permanent. That is why every couple who intends to stay in love must make
deliberate efforts to stay in love. To stay in love, the following suggestions
will be of tremendous help:
Don’t neglect your spouse:
To neglect something is to fail to pay attention to that thing. And whatever we
refuse to pay attention to, we lose. When a couple fails to pay attention to
each other, with time they lose their feelings for one another. Attention is
something everyone looks forward to from his/her spouse because it is one of
the attributes of love. When you love a person, you give him/her your
attention. When you love a thing, you cannot take your eyes off it. Even when
you are not where it is, your mind can’t get away from it. Many men pay more
attention to their cars than their wives, and many women pay more attention to
their children than their husbands. When that is the case, you are simply
revealing to your spouse that your car/children come before her/him in your
order of priority. And many times, that is not what we are saying, we are only wrong
in our order of priority.
Don’t take your spouse for granted:
To take your spouse for granted is to be so used to him/her that you do not
recognise his/her true value anymore and, as a result, do not show that you are
grateful for him/her any longer. This is a sin many couples are guilty of and
it is one thing that can kill our love for one another. You must learn to
appreciate your spouse. Husband and wife must value one another. Whatever you
will not do to her if she was not your wife, you should not do to her now that
she’s your wife. That she agrees to marry you is not a crime she has committed
against you to make you see and treat her now like nobody. And whatever you
will not say to him if he was not your husband, you should not say to him
because he is your husband. That he chose to spend his life with you rather
than somebody else should not make him lose his respect before you. That he/she
is your spouse should make him/her deserve an honour you should accord to no
one else.
Cultivate friendship with your spouse:
Love between a couple is promoted when they cultivate friendship with each
other. Do things that friends do: Friends respect each other’s opinion; friends
gist; friends spend time with each other; friends laugh with each other,
friends share things with each other, friends relax in each other’s presence,
friends protect each other, friends feel safe with each other, friends are open
to each other, etc. The moment a man and a woman are married, they should have
no one else as their best friend other than their spouse.
Communicate with your spouse:
Communication is one of the bedrocks of a good marriage. Communication promotes
love. Every divorce in the law court begins with a breakdown in communication
between the couple. Whatever is going on between a couple, as long as they can
still sit down and talk it over, there will always be a way out of it. But the
moment there is a breakdown in communication and it is not addressed on time,
divorce or separation is inevitable. It is important husbands and wives allow
for free communication in the marriage. As much as possible, there must be
freedom of speech. The degree to which the parties involved are free to express
their hurt, displeasure, feelings, opinions, etc. is the degree to which their
love for one another will grow. Spouses must cultivate a relationship in which
there is nothing they will not be able to tell one another.
Leave no conflict unresolved:
Conflict resolution between couples is one thing that cannot be overlooked.
Couples that will stay in love must learn to resolve every conflict that arises
in their home and resolve it the right way. Ignoring or overlooking conflicts,
or leaving them to time to resolve is like sitting on a time bomb that is bound
to explode with time. Unresolved conflicts will often result in marriage
dissolution. In resolving conflicts, couples must avoid taking one another for
granted. Each party must be seen as an entity and therefore, must be treated as
one. No party must over ride the other and the interest of both must be
protected.
Make lovemaking something you both
look forward to: Your sexual relationship with your
spouse plays a very important role in your love life. Sex is God’s own gift to
married couple for the consummation of their love for one another. A couple
that will remain in love with one another after several years of being married
must enjoy great sex. This is because sex serves as a lubricator. It helps to
lubricate the marriage against friction. It helps to strengthen the bond
between husband and wife. The absence of great sexual relationship between a
couple can generate enough friction that can put them apart. That why it is
important you do whatever it will take to make you and your spouse enjoy great
sex at all times.
Love must be guarded jealously and
consciously sustained if it will not be lost: Therefore,
invest in things that will protect and promote your relationship with your
spouse. Marriage is meant to be enjoyed and not endured. Keeping to the above
will go a long way in ensuring that you enjoy your spouse.
Read Also: Sex and Depleting Respect for African Women Folks: What Women Must Do To Roll Back The Mantra: http://punditafrica.blogspot.com/2015/01/sex-and-depleting-respect-for-african.html
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