MARRIAGE: WHEN IN-LAWS BECOMES OUTLAWS?

Credit: PunditAfrica

For this reason a man shall leave his mother and father and cling to his wife, the two shall no longer be two but one.” No doubt we must have heard this common biblical proclamation one or two times at wedding ceremonies.

What follows from the presiding pastor or spiritual mentor often times will be the fact that the new couple should be left alone by parents and family members from both sides; the bride and the groom, so that they can live their life and build their own family.

Most often than not, this admonition does not hold water with some parents as they take delight in meddling with their children’s new home? Ifeoluwa, got what she did not bargain for few weeks after her wedding. During courtship, her mother-in-law whom she fondly calls mum related very well with her and whenever she was in any gathering where any mother-in-law maltreats their son’s wife’s is being discussed she would tell anyone who cared to listen that she was sure she would enjoy her mother-in-law as she sees the mother she didn’t have in her.

Her tale however changed, just few weeks after her wedding. According to her, her newly wedded husband was opposed to the fact that she wanted his mother to stay a little with them after their wedding.

It was like making an effort to wake up from a bad dream when just few days after her wedding, mum began to show Ifeoluwa her true colour. Nothing she tried to do was right. She went as far as asking her not to poison her son with her meals. Before she could say jack, her mother-in-law had taken over her kitchen and new home.

It was so bad that she dictates who comes to visit and who doesn’t, even when the couple felt it was time for her to leave, she moved in more of her stuffs instead of leaving. She couldn’t complain much because once or twice that she tried to do so; her husband was quick to remind her that she brought it on herself. The situation was however saved by her father-in-law who insisted that his wife should return home. Her attitude however had destroyed the cordial relationship they shared before she got married.

Majority will think mother-in-laws are the only ones who over step their bounds and over stretch their limit, John-Bosco, have an entire different experience. His marriage to Henrietta was barely three months when her father started complaining that he wasn’t taking care of his daughter.

It was so bad that his father-in-law had called him several times to inquire about his financial status because he felt his daughter wasn’t looking well, or that she was not wearing the fashion in vogue and according to John Bosco, many listless things.

In fact, he had to work on his anger the day his father-in-law offered to place him on a monthly allowance so he would have enough money to take care of his daughter. He had to meticulously detach himself from his father-in-law, so as to avoid any form of open confrontation with him.

Not all in-laws are troublesome and sometimes even the seemingly troublesome ones too do not mean to be, some of them meddle in a subtle way that causes more harm than good.

The point however remains that in our African set up, the extended family cannot be totally divorced from the immediate family, the tradition as Africans is not helping as people refuse to understand that the husband and wife are supposed to be left alone in decision making. The question remains; how much and how far should in-laws go or meddle in their children’s home? There is need for parents to know their place and limit.

Mother in-laws especially always want to interfere when it has to do with their sons. Because like Ifeoluwa’s mother-in-law, they love their sons so much and get afraid that his new wife might not be able to treat her son with so much care as she has over the years. Some father-in-laws cannot be excused from this type of behaviour too.

It is however important for a meddling or troublesome mother-in-law to know that she loses nothing when her son gets married. After all, he most likely has not been living with her for years before his marriage. When in-laws meddling becomes unbearable, resentment and anger builds to the point that the easiest solution is just to stay away from the meddling in-laws, thereby depriving their children of an important and foundational family relationship; their grandparents.

A mother gains a new daughter when her son gets married. After all when he comes visiting he would do so with his wife and soon the grand children. The fact that most mother-in-laws thinking differs from this, makes them hold tight to their sons thereby causing friction in the son’s family thus causing sorrow for the son and ultimately causing sorrow for herself.

If she looks at the daughter as an addition, showing love that gets reciprocated she automatically increases her own joy.

After wedding vows are exchanged parents are to step behind each spouse both emotionally and authoritatively. If this doesn’t take place, the offended spouse, quite often, starts viewing their in laws as “out-laws” because of the intrusion into their marital union. This also doesn’t mean couples should stop honouring family members. The importance they still have in their spouse’s heart and lives shouldn’t be underestimated. But the influential role they once held in our decisions must change.

Here are practical tips to help you deal with in-laws who turned out-laws

Know that your in-laws are not the enemy:

Couples need to start with a little self-analysis. If you see your in-laws as the enemy, you will never get anywhere with them. No matter how troublesome they seem, you need to take the lead in working toward solving the problems.

One thing that might help is to remember that your mother or father-in law is different from your parents. You cannot compare the two, because in most cases your in-laws will come up short. Therefore, you need to get to know them for who they are, not for what you want them to be.

The biological connection: If a wife has a problem with her husband’s parents, it is the responsibility of the husband to bring that issue before his parents; no matter how uncomfortable that may be. The biological child will generally carry more credibility with his or her own parents, and should discern how to best communicate with them. It is then vital that the biological husband or wife lovingly but firmly defends his or her spouse and family.

Stay unified: Couples need to be unified in their communication with their in-laws. It is important for the mother or father-in-law to sense that there is no way they can possibly use their parental influence on their own child to try and drive a wedge in their marriage or in their role as parents.

Credits: Monica Taiwo (Nigerian Tribune)